Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the captain’s quarters. On Monday, we asked you to vote in a Twitter poll to decide which B-plot we should explore with our beloved sea captain. His friendship with a Maine fisherman, his rivalry with a giant sea lobster, or his desperate attempts to reconnect with his three estranged children. -Kids, please!
Randy’s not your real dad. I am! And in a shocking upset, it was a giant sea lobster taking the day, which sadly means the sea captain will never make amends with his children. Kids, I didn’t choose the sea. The sea decided me.-Huh.
So I guess now we have to write up a giant sea lobster B-plot. Alright. But a genuine thanks to everyone who voted and gave a little structure to our collective descent into madness—speaking of voting and madness Double segue! The President stepped out of his right-wing media bubble to do a disastrous interview with Axios, and it went so badly, he immediately ran back to the safe ground on Fox News. For more on this, it’s time for “A Closer Look.”
‘Late Night’: Closer Look at Trump Rushing to Fox After Axios Interview
A lot has happened this week, as you can probably guess from this face, the face of an actual journalist sitting across from the President of the United States of America (USA). You know something has gone horribly wrong when a journalist interviewing the President looks like that. That’s the face you make when your dad gets drunk and decides to tell you about the night you were conceived. “You know, you were a shot in the dark in Mohegan Sun. The, uh, cards weren’t going your dad’s way, but he hit blackjack in the hotel room.”
Now, we all know the President Has a, um, a bad brain. It’s well-established. You know when you go to the hotel breakfast buffet right before it closes at 11:00, and the scrambled eggs are all cold and mushy because they’ve been out since 6:00 a.m.? That’s his brain, and all the hot sauce in the world can’t save it. I mean, like, what do you even say about a President of the United States who looks down at his prepared remarks prepared sees the name of one of our most famous national parks, one of our most storied, quintessential American treasures, and belches out whatever this is.
We want every American child to have access to pristine outdoor spaces. When young Americans experience the breathtaking beauty of the Grand Canyon when their eyes widen in amazement as Old Faithful bursts into the sky when they gaze upon You-Semites Yosemite towering sequoias, their love of country grows more substantial. Yikes! The worst part is that no one of his aides grabbed him before the speech and said, “Look, there’s a tricky word here, so just you know, it’s pronounced ‘sequoia.’ Sequoia.” And then that guy was backstage saying, “Well, I’m sorry, I didn’t think he’d beef it on Yosemite.
Guy loves cartoons. Fits of rage.” Yosemite sounds like how Sean Connery would pronounce the category on “SNL’s” “Celebrity Jeopardy.” “I’ll take Yosemites for 200, Trebek.” [Laughs] or Bane? You know, or maybe that would be how Bane would say it. Sorry about that, Daryl. But yes, America’s children will be filled with patriotism when they set their gaze upon the wondrous beauty of Yosemite.
Perhaps they’ll be just as awed by the majesty of the Hoover Dam, or the Statue of Lie-berty, or Yell-ow-stone park. This is like being at a restaurant with your dad the first time he spots quinoa on a menu. “What the hell is quin-no-a? I ever, uh, tell you about the time I boned your mom in a Mohegan Sun?” Seriously, how has he never seen or heard the word “Yosemite” before? He even took two tries and got it wrong both times. “Yo-semites? That can’t be right. Is it Yo-semites?” I don’t believe Trump Is some undercover Russian spy who infiltrated America, but if he was, this would definitely be a dead giveaway. “I’m not a spy.
My name is Bob Cowboy. I love American things. Yo-semites, Disneyland, Washington’s penis.” The same event, Trump introduced his Secretary of the Interior, tried to the ad-Liban explanation of what he thinks the Secretary of the Interior does, and this is what he came up with. A man who’s done a fantastic job, Secretary of The interior.
David, if you could come up and say a few words? And he really has he has been he loves it. He loves the interior. Does he love the interior? Is he in charge of national parks or a luxury car? “Loves the interior. All leather. White stitching.” You can tell his brain is slowly breaking as he thinks, “But interior means inside, and I just named many outside places. Is this a trap?” Clearly, Trump has no idea what the Secretary of the Interior does.
He’s like a boss who sees you eating a turkey sub at work and tells everyone, “Hey, check out old Turkey Sub over here. Guy loves turkey.” Then later that same day, he was talking about the social-media app TikTok, which he’s been pretending he has the power to unilaterally ban on his own, and he didn’t even seem to know what it is. TikTok is very successful. It does tremendous business in the United States of America (USA). People are riveted by it. I mean, I have many friends when they saw that announcement they’re calling — I think their kids love it. They don’t. Because they don’t get to see their kids anymore, but they are a fantastic thing, whatever it may be. “Whatever it maybe”? Well, when you figure out what it is, can you tell me, too? Because I also don’t understand it.
But at least I’m not threatening to ban it. Tell you one thing. TikTok is not the reason your friends can’t see their kids anymore. -Oh, cool. Yeah. Jokes about kids who hate their dad. Thanks, Seth! And look, on some level, a 74-year-old shouldn’t know what TikTok is. The last thing I want to do is pick up my phone and see Trump doing the tootsie slide, but if you’re going to ban someone, you should at least Google it. Like I did, to make that tootsie slide joke. Didn’t Google how to pronounce it, though, so hopefully, that was in the ballpark.
All you have to do is type in “TikTok.” You at least know what it’s called, right? Saw TikTok. “I saw a great TikTok of someone hiking at Yosemite. I didn’t finish the whole thing. It was 40 seconds long. The middle got slow.” Here is why Trump rarely steps outside his right-wing media bubble. His brain is pureed cottage cheese, and he can’t withstand the slightest scrutiny inside the bubble.
The ghouls who profit off him can move his arms around and make him seem alive to keep partying at his cold house. But when he steps outside, we end up with Jonathan Swan from Axios looking like a tourist who just watched a Times Square Elmo drop his pants and take an [Bleep] on the sidewalk. I mean, to be honest, forget Times Square. That’s the face you’d make if you saw the real Elmo take a dump. “But he’s a puppet.
Where does it even come from?” You just knew this interview was going to be insane from the get-go. Also, before Trump sat down, when he walked into the room holding a stack of papers, you knew it would be bat [bleep] crazy. “You don’t want to put the papers in a binder, Mr. President? “No. No, I think loose paper projects strength.” Those printouts were like the Chekhov’s gun of the interview. You were waiting for them to make an appearance, and when they did, it was somehow worse than you were expecting.
I think it’s under control. I’ll tell you what? How? 1,000 Americans are dying a day. They are dying. That’s true. And you have It is what it is. Because we are so much better at texting than any other country globally, we show more cases. The figure I look at death. And death is going up now. Okay. It’s 1,000 a day. -If you look at the end, Yeah, it’s going up again. Let’s look.-Daily death. Take a look at some of these charts. I’d love to.
We’re going to look. Let’s look. Well, right here, the United States is lowest in numerous categories. We’re smaller than the world. More economical than the world? We’re lower than in Europe. What does that In what? In what? Take a look.
Right here. Here’s the case of death. -Oh, you’re doing end as a proportion of cases. I’m talking about death as a proportion of the population. That’s where the U.S. is evil. Well Much worse than South Korea, Germany, et cetera. You can’t do that. You have to Why can’t I do that? -Okay, there is so much to unpack here. But my first thought is, generally speaking, when you’re the President reaching for a piece of paper, saying to an interviewer, “if you look at death, “that’s not a great place to be. PowerPoint presentations at the office that start, “Alright, everyone, thanks for coming in.
So if you look at death rarely, end with promotions. Second, what is this chart? This is the fakest-ass-looking chart I’ve ever seen. It’s just four random bars with different colors. Is this the printer test sheet? “As you can see, we’re doing great with cyan.” Can’t even see what it says on the Y-axis. This looks like a pro they’d give a fourth-grader playing a business person in a school play. I’m sure this is what George Costanza handed out when he gave everyone donations to the human fund. But the craziest part about this is Trump couldn’t even remember his bull [bleep].
That’s how fried his brain is. He wanted to say our case fatality rate is the lowest in the world, which would be wrong and misleading anyway, but he couldn’t remember that. He just knew someone stuck some papers in his hand with some lines on them that supposedly made the U.S. look good, and when he had to explain them, he froze like a fifth-grader who just got the word “milieu” in a spelling bee. And Trump was so embarrassed by this rare venture outside the right-wing media bubble that after the disastrous Axios interview aired, he immediately rushed back to the safe confines of Fox News, calling in for a phone interview with his friend Lou Dobbs last night and with the “Fox & Friends” this morning. Just compare the question she got from Dobbs to the interview he did with Swan. Do you expect, or do you wait, the Democrat Party to align itself with American citizens’ national interests and welfare? Well, maybe the point of great success I think the excitement level is at a number that people haven’t seen before. Not in a long time.
Now, I think there’s almost a 30-point gap between Republican enthusiasm for Donald Trump and those Democrats for Joe Biden. It’s a record gap. A tremendous deficit for Biden to overcome. Right, it’s a record. Are you going to commit more resources to explore UFOs and open the documents to the public? Well, I think you’re probably in this country, you’re the UFO expert. So I’m going to be guided by the great [Laughs] By the great Lou Dobbs.
Wow, that is beyond a softball interview. That’s how you interview your new puppy. “And who’s a good boy? Is it you? It’s you. You’re a good boy!” Lou, how come you didn’t ask some tougher questions, like, “Mr. President, is it hard to hit 30-under-par with your big penis getting in your golf swing?” Why are you asking him about UFOs? You think — that was maybe a little Bane, too. “Mr. President.” [Laughs] And why are you asking him about UFOs? Think they’d tell him anything? He believes it’s pronounced-semite. The only way Trump would know anything about UFOs is if he got beamed up into one. For the aliens, it’d be a total bust. “Tell us about Earthlings.”
Well, they love to put themselves into TikTok. Not all humans can do it, but I aced my cognitive test. Knew it was an elephant right away. We’re lower than the world. Oh! Person, woman, man, camera, TV.” “We got a dud, guys. We’ll; I don’t know, dump him into the ocean. I’m not wasting a perfectly good-anal probe on this guy.” Trump can’t step outside this bubble without embarrassing himself, and his supporters are aware of this. They admit it.
After that Axios interview aired, Rush Limbaugh expressed shock that Trump would sit down for an interview with an outlet that wasn’t friendly. I don’t know why he did it. I mean, Axios is not what you would say what you’d call from the aisle’s warm side.
At this point, the “friendly side of the aisle” means anyone who won’t ask follow-up questions. Even a therapist would be too challenging for Trump. “And why do you think you’re afraid of commitment?” “I don’t know. Let’s look at the death.” Think about the word”friendly.” You know it’s bad when even the President’s allies talk about him how a parent would warn a child to stay away from strangers. They speak about legitimate journalists like they’re pulling up outside the White House in a windowless van. “Psst, hey, kid.
Do you want to do an interview? A tough one? Follow-up questions?” “My friend John told me not to talk to strangers.” We rarely get a glimpse of the President outside his insulated bubble, but we got that this week. And it went so severely he immediately ran back to safe territory on Fox.
You can’t deal with a public health crisis if you can’t even grasp the problem’s reality. Trump is so unhinged I wouldn’t be surprised if he started telling people coronavirus could be cured by eating a tic tac. This has been “A Closer Look.” We’ve been talking about City Harvest since COVID began. And now more than ever, they need your help feeding New York families. Stay safe. Wash your hands. Wear a mask. We love you.